The Reader's Companion to My Immortal

(Note: this project is still a work in progress)

I. A Hermeneutical Approach

            The theory of interpretation is, of course, a necessary theoretical prelude to any actual act of reading, but it is particularly obvious in the case of the modern classic My Immortal. To begin with, the at times bizarrely agrammatical and almost invariably misspelled text can be disorienting to those unprepared; and, what’s more, the story is one of the most densely metatextual pieces of literature in existence, with not only the “author’s” personal comments (and, indeed, psychological peculiarities) being brought to the level of text, but also a pervasive pastiche of pop-cultural semiotics and evaluation informing both characterization and plotting. (Not to mention that such references are often, themselves, garbled or erroneous.)
            Probably the most pertinent issue in hermeneutics for our present purposes is the validity and significance of the “death of the author” concept, a popularized element of post-modern critical theory. In broad terms, “death of the author” signifies that, in stark contradiction to older models of interpretation, authorial “intent” has little or no actual influence on the meaning of a given text. However, there are still at least two major options to consider as the locus of meaning in a text: “above the text,” which is to say, in the reader’s own response to the words; and “in the text,” that is, inherent in the combination of words regardless of the intent of the author who writes it and the reader who responds to it. It has been increasingly common for the former to be regarded as the primary (or sole) locus of meaning—the supposed impossibility of accessing a world external to the perceiving mind, or at least of communicating or transmitting values across or between communally-constructed “worldviews” making it such that meaning can only ever be found in the personally constructed world of the individual reader (or, at best, in a given cultural community). However, “in the text” has been suggested as the locus, as well, perhaps most significantly and famously by T.S. Eliot, with his championing of the “objective correlative.” The objective correlative concept dictates that the artist’s aim is to produce a sequence of words (or other signifiers, depending on the medium—mutatis mutandis) that will produce in the audience exactly the emotion or response which the author purposes. In other words, the author is to produce a “formula” for a given feeling, and the failure to evoke precisely this feeling is the failure of the artist. (Eliot, of course, notoriously declared that Hamlet was exactly this sort of failure.)
            It seems, however, that the “death of the author” has been declared somewhat too hastily (rumors of the author’s demise have been greatly exaggerated). There is, we suggest, some validity in locating meaning in any of the three logical “spaces”: “below” the text, “in” the text, and “above” the text. To deny the intention of the author any sort of significance at all is surely going too far, as this would deny to written communication what is obviously of interpretive significance in verbal, with the expressions, body language, and intonation of the speaker shading our understanding of the communicated words. (“I’d love to,” said sarcastically, is, after all, exactly opposite in significance to “I’d love to,” said excitedly.) Then, too, the total “death of the author” would fly in the face of basic assumptions we make and cannot help but make in all sorts of circumstances. Translation from one language to another, for instance, would be entirely impossible without denaturing the text completely, since both the text and the reader-response would be wholly other from the original. (A non-Germanophone, for instance, will hardly respond to Der Zauberberg in the same way as to its English form, The Magic Mountain. The former would only, inevitably, cause confusion, and perhaps frustration.) A rigorous understanding of the death of the author would make not only traditional literary interpretation, but even mundane communication, entirely fantastical.
            There is, however, something also to be said for the residence of meaning in the text itself. Consider a political polemicist, who begins his career as a fervent Marxist, later to consider himself utterly mistaken, and come to champion the cause of free market republicanism. The author’s reconsideration of his earlier stance does not mean that his early Marxist propaganda now means its opposite, any more than his prior radicalism makes his later capitalism ironic. The text as text has its own coherence (perfect or imperfect, as the case may be), and its evaluation as a text must take this into consideration. An argument imperfectly presented in one instance is not made better by its later presentation in a sounder way, though we are entitled to (and perhaps ought to) make note of the development of the argument as presented by the author. Eliot’s objective correlative is surely too naïve and brash (since, of course, the reader himself is not a cipher—there probably does not exist any possible combination of signs that evokes in all readers, equally, the same feeling, and likewise probably not any combination that does so even for a “typical” reader), but it does not follow that certain “correlatives” are not better or worse-suited to evoke given feelings. (The skillful artist can, however, manipulate even the “unfitness” of a given image to greater effect. Eliot himself did so masterfully—consider the “pleasantly unpleasant” image of the evening sky as “a patient etherized on a table”—as did one of his most significant influences and English-language forebears, John Donne, in whose work, for instance, a lover is compared to a bucket of chum.)
            Finally, there is something to be said, indeed, for the possibility of meaning on the reader-side of the text. This is not to say (necessarily) that the reader is free to demolish and rebuild the text as he or she sees fit. It is, however, to note that all discourse occurs in context, and that what is germane to one context may not be to another, even if the principle behind it is valid. So, for instance, Euclid cannot possibly have imagined the particular array of circumstances that, in our era, make human flight possible. Nor does his Elements make mention of the possible aeronautical applications of his theorems. However, in the mind of the aeronautical engineer, part of the significance (and hence also the meaning) of Euclid’s observations is their use in the design of sound aircraft. The “cognitive horizon” (to borrow a phrase) of the author is not the same as that of the reader, but the meaning of the text finds (valid) expression in both, assuming that the meaning is not false. (Perhaps also if it is, albeit in a rather different way. This is part of why the criticism of literary art is not perfectly quantifiable: its outcomes are not demonstrable in the way that, say, a geometric proof is.) Indeed, it is probable that this open structure is part of the very stance of the communicative (or at least artistic) act: consciously or unconsciously, one writes or speaks with the intention that the reader or hearer will take the words conveyed, wrestle with them, and make them his or her own, appropriating them to him or herself, not by doing violence to them, but by making them part of an integrative grasp of his or her own understanding of things.

            All of this discussion brings us to the issue at hand: how ought we to interpret My Immortal? To begin with, we must settle at least some preliminary questions. First, who is the author? We have acknowledged that the provenance of a work is not, or not entirely, irrelevant to its meaning. Whence, then, My Immortal? The text itself (or rather, the original textual apparatus online) claims that its author is one Tara Gillesbie, allegedly a teenage girl who (fantastical and obviously false claims to live in Dubai aside) lives or lived in Connecticut. In a unique way, for reasons that will become clear, the nature of this personality is central to the interpretation of the text. The principal question being, as will be known to many readers of this work, whether or not Tara is what is commonly known as a “troll” (i.e., one who deliberately adopts an attitude or opinion, or who tells a story, in order to provoke anger or confusion in the audience). My Immortal is, after all, a story riddled with absurd leaps in logic, bizarre appropriations of existing fictional characters, aggressively stupid and reductionistic models of human behavior and reality at large, and generic errors of sundry kinds. It is tempting to ascribe this simply to the incompetence of the author, and to take all of the textual apparatus at face-value, on which view Tara Gillesbie would be simply an empty-headed adolescent misguidedly and stubbornly attempting to express her incoherent and, indeed, downright vicious outlook on life. This, however, is clearly a mistake. The very consistency of certain grammatical and/or lexical errors, the aggressively decontextualized take on certain characters, certain recurrent elements of the apparatus (chiefly relating to the putative author’s relationship with her “real life” friends), and at least one pop cultural reference (namely, the sudden and singular invocation of Back to the Future, which a real-world equivalent of “Tara” would almost certainly not know, still less make use of in fiction) drive us in a rather different direction. “Tara Gillesbie,” whether or not that name also belongs to the true author of the text, is nothing other than a hugely original and brilliantly constructed fictional persona, a true narrator-character in the class of Melville’s Ishmael and Doyle’s Watson, albeit one involved even more than they in the metatextual tangle which has become a hallmark of post-modern literature.
            The significance of this is truly staggering. Rather than merely an example of the culture of the so-called “internet age,” My Immortal is a profound and complex parable about it. The structure of it is exquisitely suited to this purpose: a story written by a narcissistic, vapid, pop-culture-obsessed “author” about a narcissistic, vapid, pop-culture-obsessed girl, published on that most-fitting website, fanfiction.net, a notorious gathering place for the unself-conscious self-obsessed. The real author even responds to criticism of her constructed persona in a purely typical way, by attempting to destroy the evidence (while knowing full well, of course, that merely removing the story from the website could never actually suppress its spread). The intrusion of apparently irrelevant personal trivia into the story itself (to the point that even the supposed fictional equivalent of a real-life friend of the “author” undergoes a massive and rapid re-characterization in response to “real-life” happenings), the pidgin-English patois of abbreviated and otherwise mutilated words so reminiscent of teenage texting and emailing patterns, the invincibly ignorant opinions on pop-culture ephemera and “scenes”—all these are not incidental features surrounding a barebones plot. They are, instead, the very substance of the story’s import. The text forces us to confront not only the vapidity of the so-called “internet age,” but even the inherent vapidity of art-as-such (art-as-self-expression, art-as-projection, etc.). My Immortal is, in the best tradition of surrealism, the confrontation of the reader with a funhouse-mirror version of himself, an exaggerated but still essentially similar presentation of the interior nature of this era and us, its products. We ought not, therefore, be discouraged by periodic difficulties in deciphering individual words, the meaning of phrases, or even whole movements of the story arc. These are the author’s acerbic reproduction of that snarl which lies in all our hearts. The reader must be bold to read on, with the hopes that confronting that inward beast will be, in the end, enough to beat it down.






II. The Body of the Text

            Chapter 1

            The very first bit of genuine text we are given in My Immortal is an author’s note (invariably designated by the writer as “AN”), which is significant both formally and materially. As a structural feature, we are introduced at this point to the true central character, “Tara Gillesbie” (as distinct from the possible genuine Tara, the author of the work as a whole), and the chief elements of her (abhorrent) persona are already at least nascent in the words presented. The repugnantly stupid punning of “special fangz,” the constant need for external validation represented by the repeated “geddit?”, the wearisome habit of immediately dividing the world into the camps of “goff” and “prep” (this latter only present by implication, however, for the time being)—all are already present. The actual content of the note, too, conveys some purely functional information: the name of the narrator, a few details of her persona, her friendship with “raven.” These will prepare us for later developments, as well as give us a rough idea of the style and thematic content of the “story” (in reality, only one element of the metatextual parable which is the text as a whole) which will follow.
            Tara’s “story” is divided from the author’s note by a border of capital “X”s, a fact which is not unimportant. This method of dividing the text from the apparatus is clumsy and overwrought, hallmarks of Tara’s style. Furthermore, they produce a sort of dramatic irony, as it seems that Tara is determined to make a clear distinction between her own personal circumstances and the story proper, while we, the audience, know that her personal circumstances are entirely inseparable from the story. (A rather ingenious and delicate touch on the part of the true author is that author’s notes are also inserted in inline parentheses in the body of the text, not only spatially embedded in the story but also not even rendered grammatically separate by the more proper use of editorial brackets.)
            The first content of Tara’s story is a description of the narrating character, “Ebony Dark’Ness Dementia Raven Way,” offered in a bizarre combination of specific but somehow also generic terms, as well as being accompanied by a pair of references to “goffik” culture (and here it seems appropriate to note that the title of the work itself is taken from a song by the quasi-gothic—probably better described as “emo”—music group, Evanescence). The dominant traits of not only Ebony but Tara as characters are manifest in this: self-obsession, vapidity and shallowness, a hopeless insecurity in personal identity tied to a desperate appeal to sub-cultural specificity for the confirmation of her individuality. Her comment that she would like to be related to Gerard Way “because he’s a major fucking hottie” hints at perverse sexual peccadilloes (i.e., the fetishization of quasi-incest), threatening the reader with the unmasking of his or her own concealed desires. It is possible that her being described as a “vampire” is an allusion to the Twilight series of books, a notorious favorite of vapid, stupid teenagers, as well as a practically fanfic-caliber literary work, which would only contribute to the cumulative effect of the author’s overall teen-idiot-culture pastiche.
            The only actual “plot point” which occurs in this chapter is Ebony’s (extremely brief) confrontation with a group of “preps” (her response being one of the work’s most important leitmotifs: “I put up my middle finger at them”) and her exchange of greetings with Draco Malfoy. Two important thematic concerns are present in this chapter: first, Ebony’s reflexive hostility to “preps,” which is a concise and apt representation of the general “insider-outsider” or “us-them” dynamic which is a common feature of post-modern accounts of history and the human condition (as Ebony’s efforts at self-actualization revolve principally around her desperate desire to establish herself as genuinely “goffik” and, consequently, her vilification of any and all persons who act otherwise, so, too, the author says, are all of our attempts at defining “our group” inherently hostile and dehumanizing to that which is not “our group”); and second, Ebony’s almost schizoid, retarded sexuality, as her naked fantasizing about an incestuous relationship with her ideal mate (the aforementioned musician Gerard Way) gives way to a coquettish, effete flirtation with Draco. Perhaps the author is commenting on the at times all-too great distance between interior sexual desire and exterior romantic-sexual behavior: the felt savagery of lust and fantasy being forcibly restrained, we are left only with vague and groping attempts at genuine intimacy with real persons.
            That the chapter ends with an author’s note nakedly and directly begging for validation from the reader only underscores the inherent rootlessness of the Tara persona. Despite her scrabbling attempts at forging a sense of self from the scraps of quasi-authentic aesthetic and artistic flotsam she encounters, she is ultimately entirely adrift. Here is the classic conundrum of the insecure narcissist: her need to perceive herself as excellent drives her to acquire praise from outsiders, since her fundamental lack of self-assuredness makes her own self-evaluation hollow and meaningless. Her demand, “IS it good?” is the lonely howl of the lost and starving cur that is her inward self.

            Chapter II
           
            Here, already, one of the major patterns of the text is established: repeated descriptions, at length, of characters’ looks, clothing, and physical possessions. The same element was present in the first chapter, but its recurring so quickly (after some one or two hundred words) indicates to us that this is an ingrained feature of the narrative. The Tara persona regards personal adornment, whether through clothing, makeup, or hairstyle, as basic to characterization—indicative of her almost defiant banality. Here, the text’s actual author demonstrates once again not only her facility with prose, but her bone-deep awareness of literary method and history: there can be little doubt that the deluge of sartorial and aesthetic data is a conscious or semi-conscious echo of Moby-Dick, in which the bulk of the text lays out the fundamentals of cetology and whaling mechanics, rather than directly advancing the plotline. By inundating the reader so, both Melville and our author produce in the reader an externally-induced cognitive environment which is germane to the story itself. In the case of Moby-Dick, it builds in the reader something like the whaler’s near-religious awe of the whale (so crucial to the allegorical and symbolic meaning of that novel), while in My Immortal, it presses on us the truly odious and crushingly barren nature of our pseudo-protagonist. It immerses us in her thought patterns, in a manner reminiscent of what is called in linguistics “grammatical modeling” (i.e., the use of atypical grammar or syntax to evoke a particular mood or response in the reader, or to demonstrate something about the subject of the text itself).
            The plot of Tara’s story is advanced minutely in this chapter (a glacial pace being characteristic of her narrative style, as, of course, trappings and appearances are of far greater concern to her than even the most shallow and juvenile of plots): we are introduced for the first time to Ebony’s friend, Willow, the avatar of Tara’s own friend, Raven, whose function is (in Tara’s construction) simply to reiterate to us information we already know, and (presumably) to confirm Ebony’s value as a person, since she is not a genuine outsider, but rather a central part of the school’s “cool” clique, the “goffs.” In the author’s construction, however, Willow serves to underscore the utter narcissism of the Tara persona, as Willow is virtually nothing other than an accessory to Ebony, a similarly attractive and chic figure who largely echoes Ebony’s own opinions or assessments. After the briefest of exchanges between Ebony and Willow, during which Ebony denies her obvious attraction to Draco (evidently to establish, from Tara’s perspective, Ebony’s coquettish, hard-to-get air of detachment), Ebony once again encounters Draco (whose entrance is described in such naked and artless terms—“Just then, Draco walked up to me”—that the reader cannot help be made forcibly conscious of Tara’s own guileless storytelling, in which wish-fulfillment is the only guiding logic), and the two exchange painfully unrealistic flirtations. Draco goes on to (coyly, because it is necessary that even the male characters exhibit overtly effeminate characteristics, in order to underscore the monomania of the Tara persona, as she is entirely unable to empathize with a masculine personality) invite Ebony to a concert. That the concert in question is to be performed by Good Charlotte, a rather textbook example of the so-called “pop punk” genre, only reiterates the hollowness of Tara’s constructed “goffik” identity. For all her appeals to counter-cultural cachet, she does not even understand what is in and out of bounds in her chosen milieu. The chapter concludes with a laughable attempt at inducing suspense, with Ebony only “gasping.” Here, again, Tara’s sheer pettiness is pressed upon us forcefully: she expects the reader to so identify with and, presumably, be invested in Ebony that her slightest decision is regarded as weighty and dramatic.

            Chapter III

            In the author’s note, Tara openly attacks her critics, which offers us yet another minute window into her psychology: while she is deeply sensitive to any perceived attack, she is also desperate for validation. Despite the fact that her writing seemingly only leads to frustration and hurt, she is compelled to continue on, driven by the need to be praised and admired. Further, she divides the audience neatly into two camps: “prep” critics, and appreciative “goffs.” Here we see her worldview at its clearest—value is equated with standing as a “goff,” and this in turn with support for Tara. Opposition to her is equivalent to “preppiness,” and this is the severest condemnation she can muster. Here is a modern form of the sheep and the goats, but one whose tragedy comes from its very pettiness. The world of the twenty-first century is such that we draw our grand, cosmic lines not between those blessed and those condemned by a transcendent Almighty, but between those who wear pastels and those who wear black. Look on our works, ye mighty, and pity us.
            In story terms, the chapter begins with Ebony’s preparations for the concert. Again, her clothing is described at length, along with her hairstyle and makeup. However, this sequence is also disrupted, almost violently, by Ebony’s sudden onset of “depression,” leading her to cut herself. As she bleeds, she reads a “depressing book” and listens to Good Charlotte (“GC”), another indicator of the hopelessly adolescent quality of Tara as well as her cluelessness about real-world “gothic” tastes. While, from the perspective of Tara, this is no doubt intended to further characterize her personal avatar, Ebony, it also serves as the author’s commentary on the innate problems in the concept of “cool.” While society at large regards gothic sub-cultural tastes and values as uncool or, at least, eccentric, gothic culture is really nothing but the logical endpoint of what seems to be a persistent theme in most understandings of “coolness,” namely, a streak of apathetic self-destructiveness. For reasons that may never be entirely clear, wanton disregard of one’s own wellbeing—whether manifested in comparatively mild ways like cigarette smoking or risky physical activities like rock-climbing, or in more reckless ones like the use of heavy narcotics or binge-drinking—often exert a magnetic pull on the culture at large. Popular musicians, actors, and athletes are notoriously prone to such habits, and if there is anything even approaching a consensus on “cool,” they belong within its bounds. Perhaps it was this to which Freud referred when he spoke of “Thanatos” and the “death-wish.” And it is certainly this dark, magnetic power that Tara is attempting to invoke. The author, however, unmasks its basic irrationality and pointlessness at the very same moment. Tara wishes to impress us with her fearlessness in the face of death, even evincing an infatuation with it—but the author well knows that this is only ever posturing. It is only ever whistling in the encroaching darkness.
            Having completed her preparations, Ebony meets with Draco and his “flying car,” which, along with his clothing, serves as the materialistic prelude without which Tara finds it impossible to conceive of characterization. He is described rather conspicuously as wearing makeup of the same sort as Ebony herself—the suggestion, perhaps, of a narcissistic libido? of onanistic egotism?—after which an author’s note indignantly declares, “a lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!” in one of the author’s most delightful parodic touches. Tara’s defensiveness here is a perfect encapsulation of the voice of the stunted adolescent female. Her desire is fundamentally for herself, so even her sexual fantasies revolve, in the end, around reflections of herself. Her mode of thought is still so fundamentally egocentric that, despite her heterosexual proclivities, the object of desire cannot be masculine, because masculinity is “other” to her. The uneasiness of this state of affairs will be revealed more fully in the bizarrely dialectical attitude Ebony espouses toward male bisexuality: the male objects of desire are made to participate in a sexual appreciation of the masculine in order to familiarize and disarm them, but any actual instance of male homosexuality is treated with disdain. The males in Ebony’s life must be sufficiently homoerotic to be an acceptable facsimile of the feminine, but not so much as to challenge Ebony’s own dominance as a desirable partner.
            Ebony and Draco proceed to the concert, along the way indulging in more “cool” (read: self-destructive) behaviors—“We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.” Tara (in another beautifully conceived instance of parody) reproduces Good Charlotte lyrics at length, presumably in another attempt at establishing her authentic connection to “goffik” culture. The irony, of course, is that Good Charlotte is not remotely a gothic band, and her hopeful grasping at insider-status only more firmly shuts her outside. (Of course, implicit in all this is the author’s own savage critique of the very concept of being “inside” a circle. The author knows, and communicates to the reader, that even a successful attempt is fundamentally pointless and has no salve for the soul-sickness of the lonely.)
            In a further elaboration of the psycho-sexual dynamic core to the story thus far, Draco responds in a characteristically “feminine” way to Ebony’s acknowledgement of another male’s sexual desirability (in this case, Good Charlotte front-man Joel Madden): he pouts and falls sullen, until assured by Ebony that he (Draco) is still the principal object of her desire. Here, again, the feminization of the major male figure so far, but coupled with a purely narcissistic self-aggrandizement on Tara’s part through Ebony. Ebony is established as the dominant figure in the relationship. Draco’s jealousy is proof of her comparative freedom. Where he is reduced to anxiety with respect to her feelings, she betrays no such worry, and feels at liberty to direct her sexual attentions wherever she pleases. This is, however, undercut by another devastating bit of authorial wit: she immediately turns to a bitter attack on Madden’s (then) real-life paramour, “Hillary fucking Duff.” This not only betrays her (Tara’s) actual lack of self-assurance, but also contains within itself proof of her own failure to grasp her supposed “goffik” identity, had she but the intelligence to recognize it: Duff, with her “ugly blonde face,” is very nearly the epitome of those qualities Tara sees fit to label as “prep.” That her beloved, “goffik” Joel would involve himself with such a woman is proof positive that he is not “goffik” at all.

Once more, Tara reveals her total failure to grasp narrative structure: the final lines of the chapter are redundant in the highest degree (Draco and Ebony once again indulge in illicit behavior—drinking underage—and the fact that they are at a Good Charlotte concert is reiterated, pointlessly), and it actually concludes with yet another ridiculous “cliff-hanger,” as Draco “drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!” From the authorial point of view, however, this is all part of the overall effect of the cognitive environment. Odious as it is, it is necessary for the reader to be subjected, over and over again, to the patterns and limitations of Tara’s mind-set.

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